Fellow babies, let me level with you. If you run a blog or a website and you don't have an RSS feed that I can copy into my Newsgator reader, you do not exist.

It's nothing personal, but you just don't exist to me any more if you are in cyberspace and don't use an RSS feed. 

What, you want me to go to your site?  That is so 1999.  No, chum, you send me your stuff to my reader.  Screw your Google Rank and your precious hits.  The important thing is I WILL READ YOUR STUFF--or at least there is a good chance I will read your stuff--IF YOU SEND IT TO ME!

I am not going to go looking for your site.  I don't even want to read your email.  I want your feed on my feed reader NOW.  I don't have time to look at your site.  Just send an excerpt to me and if it is interesting enough, then I'll go there. 

Hey, Argus Leader, you Nancy-boy Gannett losers, I'm talking to you! 

And what about you, Joely at S.D. Straight Talk?  You can get every barely warm Republican you help elected to any frickin' office in South Dakota you want but you can't put up an RSS feed?  Oops, sorry, you don't exist.  I forgot.

Hell, even Sibby the Hillbilly has a freakin' RSS feed.  So obviously, it isn't rocket science or even as tough as fryin' up squirrel brains with a propane torch.  (That was for you, SDBWM, God rest your digital soul.) Sibby for God's sake!  Freakin' Sibby has an RSS feed.  Randell Beck does not.  Sibby does, Beck doesn't. 

Randell, Sibby is kicking your lily white Kansas bee-hind.  That can't make you feel too good, can it Randy?  Let me say it again: Sibby is kicking your lily white Kansas bee-hind technologically!  It's like Bangladesh dropping an A bomb on France.  Sure, the French are all smart and hoity-toity and all, and the Bangladeshis seem to have a typhoon every week and they keep rebuilding their towns where it floods all the time and they put that awful curry on everything they eat, but they still kicked France's arse.  I bet even Bangladesh has an RSS feed.

That's what Sibby does to you Randell.  And so do I, and PP, and the Viking, and the SDP Boys, the Hildebrand Boys, the Aberdeen American News (have you ever been to Aberdeen?  Hello! Aberdeen America for God's sake!), and Mt. Blogmore (that crazy Harlan and Woster and Ross who go out with an AK-47 of a notebook and pen, a bag of rice, a digital camera and melt into the Hills and prairies and consistently kick your paper's smooth, milky white corporate buttocks with innovative journalism that engages the reader and even contacts  the readers to help them tell stories and lets them know how they are doing).

But enough about Randell.  He's probably at some corporate Gannet meeting discussing the future of moveable type. 

Are you non-RSS people just plain stupid?  Lazy?  Ignorant?  Oh, you think you're too good for an RSS feed.  Believe me, I've been to your sites.  You're not.  Get over yourselves, you non-RSS pantywaists. 

RSS feeds, from what I understand, are pretty much free.  I have one.  I can't begin to tell you how it works.  But I have one.  On all my blogs.  And I'm just a step above squirrel brain frying when it comes to computers and web logs.  I'm the guy who had to ask the Sibbies in junior high shop class for help. Didn't want to.  Made me feel like crap, but it beat flunking shop.  Thanks, Sibby. 

Same with RSS feeds. I'd probably have to ask the Hillbilly to help me.  But I know he would. And I'd never hear the end of it.  BUT AT LEAST I'D HAVE A FREAKIN' RSS FEED, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR SOME OF YOU!  Randell Beck, ask Sibby to help you set up an RSS feed.  I dare you.  I double dog dare you!

Let me explain it to you again.  Get. An. RSS. Feed. Now. Comprende muchacho? 

So, you've all been told, not just Randell.  Go get one and join the rest of us cool kids at the lunch room table at Internet Public School 2005.  Hell, we even let Sibby sit with us.  (Though we never trade any of our food for what he has in his greasy brown paper lunch bag.  Never.  I did once.  Traded a chocolate chip cookie for braised possum livers with Sibby  I still can't get the awful taste out of my mouth or the hideous stench out of my nose.  I puked the rest of the day and had a hallucination about racoons with long gray pony-tails for a week.  But I digress.)

Get the RSS picture, er, feed, ok cha-cha?